{the ache to be a mother}

I know what it feels like to not be able to have a baby in your home. I remember vividly that empty feeling, it's a sad, depressing feeling to not get what you want and righteously desire. Yes I delivered a 5lb 8 oz baby girl, but we didn't get to bring her home, or get to know her, or see her grow. It ached so bad! And it still aches. While I don't know what infertility feels like and to be on such a long, hard road, I do know what that ache feels like to want to nurse and hold and comfort a baby you don't have and can't have.

And so I vowed to myself that if and when I got pregnant again, I wouldn't complain about anything. Bring on the morning sickness, the tiredness; because anyone who has felt that ache dream about having those "bad" side effects of pregnancy. And then when our little guy Jake came along, I vowed I would never complain about the hard nights, the long days, the crying, the worry. Bring on the sleepless nights, mastitis and postpartum belly and emotions. Because anyone who has felt that ache of not having a baby could care less of all the "hard" things that come along with having one. They would give anything to be in your shoes.

But, that is all easier said than done. I am human and sometimes feel so, so tired all I think is "this is so hard!" But then I remember that ache I once felt, when all I wanted in the world wasn't given to me---a baby. And then I think, I can do this, I can handle this---I've wanted this!

And so, now on Mother's Day, with a baby in my arms, I'm grateful. But I do also feel an ache. Not just for my baby girl I don't get to have right now, but I ache for all those wonderful women I know (and don't know) who are not able to have children but want to so, so badly. My heart just hurts for them! I have felt what they feel to a certain extent {though for not as long}---that ache that comes with not getting a baby so desired and worked for, so hoped for and planned for.

I don't know why things happen the way they do, but I do know that all women are instinctively given the gift to nurture---whether these be little ones sent to their own homes, or anyone they come in contact with. And so even though that ache persists, and may continue to do so for much, much longer than you may like, it can be filled with hope and joy, with love and peace. That doesn't take away the ache though.

And so, if there is one thing I have learned for Mother's Day and for every day---be careful what you say, since you don't know who around you is hurting so bad for the very thing you have! Vomit on your clothes, sleepless nights, or hormonal teenagers. Many are praying and pleading to experience those very things as hard as they may be!