{when it rains, it pours}

At the bottom of this blog we have had a quote posted that perfectly sums everything up about this blog specifically during these past five weeks {including the tire blow-out episode}:

“What could you do better for your children and your children’s children than to record the story of your life, your triumphs over adversity, your recovery after a fall, your progress when all seemed black, your rejoicing when you had finally achieved? Some of what you will write may be humdrum dates and places, but there will also be rich passages that will be quoted by your posterity.”
{President Spencer W. Kimball}

So, Travis played some pretty hardcore dodgeball last night. After sleeping through the night he woke up with extreme pain behind his knee. He said it felt like a charlie horse, so he tried to stretch it and walk a bit {which he hardly could do} thinking it would go away in a couple minutes. But it didn't! After an hour of him sitting still and trying to stretch and move and about passing out from the pain, we decided this would be emergency room worthy. How I got him out to our car I'll never know. He literally couldn't walk!

Thankfully, there wasn't a wait at the emergency room. The doctor said he had micro fiber tearing between the ligament and bone. Time is the only way to heal this one, so he's on pain meds and is using crutches and a leg brace to hobble around. He's trying to manage all of his classes amid a very heavy recruiting time for Ph.D. programs {crutches will be not so fun on a plane} and is absolutely blowing my mind at the kind of response he is getting from universities. He is amazing and in a few weeks from now, when this whole process is over, a whole download about this will happen since it will definitely be one of our "rejoicings" for 2013 as President Kimball in the above quote mentioned, even though it is currently pretty stressful in good ways though!

{gratitude}

These past 25 days have been both the sweet and the bitter---exactly what we are supposed to have in this life. It's a hard almost out-of-body experience to describe everything that has happened, and the shock I feel over again at times when I remember those first moments in the hospital. Is this real life?? It seems too dark, too sad, and too terrible sometimes to believe. But then there are sweet moments of happiness, light, and gratitude that come that reassure me that is is our new life and it will all be okay.

Specifically, we have been blessed by the love and support of so many people. It would be impossible to personally thank every single person who have said a prayer on our behalf this month, who have put our names on the temple roll, who have sent cards, text messages, emails, flowers, meals, beautiful pictures of Christ, and so much more. We are so grateful and so humbled. We feel the love and support of others buoying us up.

And, in the words of the apostle whom I could listen to all day every day, Elder Holland says it best:

"But when we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with---here, now, every day. Some of them reside in our own neighborhoods. Some of them gave birth to us, and in my case, one of them consented to marry me. Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindess and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind... My beloved brothers and sisters, I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face." https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/the-ministry-of-angels?lang=eng

For these past 25 days, we have been the recipients of heavenly help, specifically through the help of angels on both sides of the veil, "who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal." And we are so grateful!

{the young women}

I am so grateful for the young women. This past Wednesday night we had New Beginnings. We were just missing one Beehive that night, but we snapped a pic with the other three. I am so thankful for these girls! I love being with them, talking with them, and learning with them. I love the new youth curriculum. It is powerful and can help to change the lives of these youth. I was able to teach them about the Plan of Salvation the very day we found out our daughter's heart had stopped beating. I am thankful for that opportunity I had to testify of its truthfulness without knowing that I would, just hours later, experience it at a depth I had never imagined! I am so thankful for my calling in the young women presidency; the others in the presidency have become some of my great friends and are such good examples to me. I couldn't ask for a better calling at this time in my life. These girls have been such a great support and friends to me {and I may or may not have plans to set one of them up with my 14 year old brother}!

{it is better to look up}

I'm a planner. I plan and plan and plan until there is nothing left to plan. And then, somehow, I find more things to plan. I make lists and cross off lists and then make new lists. It's who I am. Two and a half weeks ago a really big plan I had worked on for quite a while was completely flipped and twisted upside down and it was terrible. It is the unthinkable and it is devastating. I should {from knowing myself} be freaking out, completely out of control since my world was rocked upside down. But I'm not. I am calm. I feel peace.

As talked about in the scriptures, it is a peace that surpasses all understanding. It's the same peace we both felt since we saw her heart no longer beating on the ultrasound screen, and it's the same peace we both felt in the temple last night.

This peace comes from a knowledge of an eternal plan. It comes from knowing that Travis and I are here to learn and grow and become more like our Heavenly parents and this is exactly what we need to experience to become better. We learned how to be children in the pre-earth life, and now we are here to learn to be parents. And Elaine Raquel was sent as our first child to teach us important things about parenting and eternity that we couldn't have been taught otherwise.

In the Provo temple last night, the thought came to me, that "nothing is wrong." I thought for a bit about it, and had such a powerful sense optimism, hope, and happiness flood me. Nothing is wrong! In fact, everything is completely okay and right. This is how it was supposed to be from the start. While it isn't something I would choose right now in the moment, it's something that I know for a fact is part of the plan for me, for Travis, and for our other children that will join us someday. It's still hard and we wish we could get to know her in this life, but in the grand scheme of things nothing is wrong---everything is exactly right.

We have also been blessed with more tender mercies and blessings than I could recall in one sitting. It's as simple as cards flooding our mailbox, to as complex as having had a strong impression a couple months ago to quit my job on January 31st, for no exact reason {which now I know}, 6 weeks before my due date, and ending up delivering our little girl two business days later. Heavenly Father is in the details. He knew something as seemingly trivial as us wanting to have me off my employer's insurance and onto my parent's insurance for her delivery. And He knew that I needed to quit in the month of January to officially have coverage on my parent's beginning February 1st, even though her due date wasn't until March.

He was with us then and He will be with us always, preparing, tutoring, teaching, and blessing.

We've been learning so many valuable lessons that are shaping and molding us. The first being that the call to "mourn with those who mourn" as it talks about in the scriptures isn't just a good idea to me anymore. It's real. I have felt and still feel the sting that comes with delivering a child, watching a faithful husband give her a name and a blessing, and then handing her to the nurse to take her to a mortuary. Just a couple of days ago, I learned of a friend who delivered her baby boy stillborn just the week after I did. My heart literally hurt for her. I am learning how trials are given to us to mold and shape us, and they are also tools to help us help others. Once we know what something feels like, we can comfort and mourn at a much deeper level. And that is what Christ has done for each one of us. He has felt it all and so, consequently, He can help us. He knows what it feels like.

The second lesson being that everyone has individual trials that are tailored perfectly for them. Last night while in the temple I couldn't help but look around for a while and ponder this idea. There I was sitting next to Travis and no one else in the room knew I had delivered a baby just about two weeks ago and that we buried her one week ago. I thought about the person sitting next to me on my other side, or the people in front or behind me. What were they going through? It reminded me of the quote: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." And while we don't always see or know of the battles those around us face, everyone faces hard times and I want to be more aware now on of how I can help.

But, the most important thing I feel I am learning is that "it is better to look up." Doctrine and Covenants 6:36 is one of my now all-time favorite scriptures: "Look unto me in every thought. Doubt not, fear not." There are so many thoughts that I can let into my mind that are destructive and full of fear and despair. But I am finding that when I turn my thoughts to Christ and then translate those into actions, there is no room for any of those feelings from the adversary. That peace that surpasses all understanding is then able to be felt.

Carl B. Cook stated: " Experience has taught me that if we, like President Monson, exercise our faith and look to God for help, we will not be overwhelmed with the burdens of life. We will not feel incapable of doing what we are called to do or need to do. We will be strengthened, and our lives will be filled with peace and joy. We will come to realize that most of what we worry about is not of eternal significance---and if it is, the Lord will help us. But we must have the faith to look up and the courage to follow his direction."

Blessings come when we look up instead of anywhere else no matter in good times or in hard times. And when looking up, I think of what my brother Nate wrote home from his mission in Germany once, "The sky is always blue, no matter how thick the layer of clouds." How true that is.

{one week ago today}

Travis and I woke up one week ago today and without hardly saying a word, we dressed in our Sunday best and drove to the mortuary to dress our little girl before having her graveside service. My aunt Diane had made the perfect dress for her that she gave to me at a baby shower just a few days earlier that we decided to dress her in. It was embroidered with little light green and pink flowers. As we were looking at Elaine Raquel's beautiful body laying there so peacefully, we noticed that on that day, Travis happened to put on a light green tie and I put on a light pink cardigan. The colors all matched exactly without us planning it and it brought a smile on our faces.

The graveside service was perfect. It had a feeling that I would predict is a feeling we will feel in Heaven. We buried her on top of my grandma Ada Elaine's grave which added I think to the sweet spirit we felt that beautiful, sunny morning.

And then as we drove away we looked back at the pieces of our heart we left there. She will always have a special place in our hearts and our family and because of her, our lives will never be the same---our love will never be the same, it has intensified.

With today being Valentine's Day, I've been thinking about what it all really means. A day with chocolate, flowers, and cards seems so insignificant to us now after recognizing how deeply our hearts have been changed and how much stronger our love is. As cheesy as it may sound, every day is Valentine's day around here and will be from here on out. Travis and I have had to rely on one another in a way that makes my heart want to burst with joy at the exact same time that it wants to crumble into a million pieces in thinking about our little girl.

This experience has changed us---it is still changing us. This experience has blessed us. This experience has elevated our love for one another forever. It's the deep kind of love that will help us weather the storms life throws at us. Travis has been so good for me through all of this and just when you think the love can't grow any stronger, it does. I am so grateful to have him as an eternal partner forever and that he is the father of our children. I know for a fact we will look back on these hard times and see the integral part that Elaine has been playing in our lives this whole time, and the blessing it is to have had this experience in our marriage.

{our favorite book}

Our favorite book is one we read together every day. It's a book that gives us peace, comfort, and direction in even the darkest times. It's a book that brings hope and guidance. And it's a book that we have relied on throughout our lives and one that we will continue to rely on in both good and bad times. It's powerful and life changing. This book is an anchor for us and we are so thankful for the continued strength and peace it brings each time we read out of it, over and over again. It never fails to bring us peace! Who wouldn't want to read a book that does that?

Click Here to receive a free copy of our favorite book, The Book of Mormon.

{how our lives have changed forever}

One week ago today, at 34 weeks and two days along, our lives changed forever. I was feeling little Elaine kick throughout the day and then that night, during her very active time, I didn't feel any kicking and something just felt wrong. Travis and I both tried to get her to kick and got no response, so we headed to the hospital. They listened for a heartbeat and only heard mine. Then they brought out the ultrasound machine and we all saw her little heart on there that had stopped beating. Shock is the only word to describe it. My legs were shaking uncontrollably and I couldn't even react. It felt like time around us stopped.

"It's going to be okay."

That's the phrase that just kept flowing out of our mouths to each other. It's going to be okay.

We decided it was best to induce labor right then, so before we knew it our parents had flights out to SLC early that next morning and I was in for the hardest 21 hours of my life. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Mentally. I was going to deliver our little girl all of the sudden. We would get to see her. We would get to hold her and I knew all along she wouldn't be alive. Life can change in a heartbeat---literally.

That next day support flooded into our lives. Never before have we felt so much love and support from family and friends. We are so grateful.

And thank goodness for tigers-blood flavored ice chips which Travis fed to me all day while in labor and for Mr. Jay, my anesthesiologist. I kept referring to him as my best friend because every time I saw him there to boost up my epidural dose, it was like heaven sent relief. Epidurals are one of my most favorite things... ever.

But most of all, thank goodness for my Savior Jesus Christ and our beliefs as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints {http://mormon.org/}. Amidst the confusion, shock, and sadness, we felt peace. And it's a peace that hasn't left. Yes, the hole is still there, and yes small things trigger sadness. But nonetheless, there is still peace.

Earlier that Sunday I had taught the young women about the Plan of Salvation. I testified of its truthfullness and that as Elder Nelson said in this amazing video, http://www.lds.org/pages/mens-hearts-shall-fail-them?lang=eng, there is no need to fear. Because of the gospel of Jesus Christ, we know our identity and purpose and this life is not the end.

At 9:13 pm on February 4, 2013, Travis and I met our daughter with a little button nose and a head full of dark, wavy hair. All we could keep saying was how perfect she is. Her little perfect body matched her perfect spirit. Up until that point, we hadn't decided on a name; but, when we found out that she had already returned to our Heavenly Father, we decided to name her after two people we love and look up to who have already returned as well: my grandma Ada Elaine Garlick and Travis' grandma Raquel Dyer.

Driving home from the hospital that next morning with an empty carseat and a room full of baby clothes tore my heart right open. Our tears seem to come out whenever and sometimes just don't stop and that's okay. But then I remember what it's all about. It's about covenants and families, it's about faithful promises and the atonement of Jesus Christ. And it's all going to be okay.

Elaine Raquel is teaching us how to love deeper and have more faith. What more could a parent learn from a child? She has changed our outlook and to what we turn our attention too. She has changed our perspective and how we live and what we cherish on a day-to-day basis. In fact, she's changed our lives. And because of her, Travis and I are developing a love now that I could never even imagine. It's a strength and a connection that is hard to describe, but one that he and I will always owe to her.

There is no medical explanation for why Elaine didn't get to live with us longer. One possibility is that one part of her umbilical cord was flatter than the rest and it could have gotten kinked. But we don't need an answer because Heavenly Father is ultimately in charge and we had no control of this event in our lives; He is in control and knows exactly what we need to become like Him. And this is what He knows will be best for us.

And because of that knowledge, we know it's all going to be okay---no matter how hard it is.

"One’s life … cannot be both faith-filled and stress-free. …Therefore, how can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, ‘Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art! Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy!’ …Real faith … is required to endure this necessary but painful developmental process." 

Neal A. Maxwell

    

{Elaine Raquel Dyer}

What a roller coaster it has been as we are left with broken hearts and joy all at the same time. Our beautiful daughter Elaine Raquel Dyer arrived stillborn on February 4, 2013 at 9:13 pm weighing in at 5 lbs 8 ounces and 19 inches long with a head full of dark hair! 

We are humbled and grateful that we were blessed to have been able to give such a perfect daughter of our Heavenly Father a body. We know she is with Him and also my Grandma Ada Elaine Garlick and Travis' Grandma Raquel Dyer. How grateful we are that there is life after this and that there is purpose in all things. Yes, we have lost time with her on this earth, but in the end, it isn't a loss at all; she is still ours forever! {http://mormon.org/}

And she is teaching us more than we could have ever taught her.

"All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ." 
{love this talk} -Elder Shayne Bowen  

A big thanks to Tracy Anderson {volunteering through Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep} for taking these priceless pictures! www.tracyandersonphoto.com