{2 months old}

Jake turned 2 months old on Valentine's day! Today he's 10 weeks old. He weighs just over 11 lbs now and is growing his hair back on the top of his head! It all had fallen out a few weeks after he was born. It seems like just yesterday he was born, but at the same time it feels like forever ago. It's hard to imagine what life was like without him here. He did great getting his 2 month shots and only cried for a bit afterwards! He has been all smiles the past few weeks and is much more alert and aware; so much fun! He absolutely loves the picture of the temple on our wall and has stared at it since he was born. It's the cutest thing! If he's ever fussy and finds the temple, he calms right down.

I've discovered that I like the smell of spit up. So weird I know! But when I smell it all the time on me, on him, everywhere, it reminds me of him and just makes me so grateful to have a little one to take care of right now. Each day is a new adventure and different from the day before and I'm learning to go with the flow and not care about having a schedule! I've been such a planner, but Jake's needs vary by the day and by the hour. Some days he gets more hungry then others, some days he needs to sleep longer than other days, and some days he just wants to be awake. He's growing so much that everything constantly changes in regards to his needs! It's freeing to not try to stick to a schedule right now and makes me feel like all my focus is on his needs being met.

It's hard for me to list out all the things that parenting is teaching us, there's just so much! One of the most profound things that has hit me was feeling a portion of what our Heavenly Father feels. I knew Jake would hate getting shots, who doesn't? I knew he'd cry and be sad. But I also knew that getting him these shots would help protect him in the future and make his body stronger. I knew that the temporary pain would be worth it in the end. I can see this from my perspective, but right now Jake has no clue, he only knows the pain. While getting ready to take him to the doctor I thought about how Heavenly Father can see all---He knows everything in the past, present and future. So he can see what experiences we need to go through so that we can become who we need to be and in the end be stronger and better. It must be so hard for Heavenly Father to watch all of his children struggle through this life. So much pain, sadness, and hardship. But, He is all knowing and knows that those are the very things we need to go through in order to accomplish what we need to in this life. And that brings so much peace!

{the snow storm}

It all started last night. Travis picked up my cousin Andrew from the airport and came home to report that our car was finally at its end. It was swerving in the road by itself and was dangerous to drive! We had been looking for a new car the past few weeks {thankfully} and had gone to the dealership last week to look at some of them. Well, today Travis had some time to run to the dealership and get the car we wanted, so thankfully I didn't go with Jake and Andrew went instead. Talk about one of the biggest blessings of the whole ordeal. After signing on the new car, they left the dealership and the storm was just starting. They immediately were in bumper to bumper traffic and ended up driving 3 miles in 5 hours. Insane! Hilarious stories of them having to pee and needing food kept me entertained today as I sightly panicked that they wouldn't make it home tonight! People were abandoning their cars on the side of the freeway. All of our emergency supplies for the car had been taken out of our old car and moved inside our house to wait for the new car. Thankfully Travis thought to keep out an emergency flashlight and a kit which had some gloves and a poncho. Finally they got to a mall and decided to park our brand new car there and walk the rest of the way home! Which was almost 3 miles. They ended up having to cover their mouths walking home since all the car exhaust fumes from the traffic was so intense! It was pitch black and freezing cold but they made it home, gym shoes intact and all! Our new car is in a parking lot and hopefully we can get it tomorrow---the whole city is shut down and there is tons of snow and ice without many plows or any equipment. So thankful we have some food storage! What a day; what a crazy memory!

{1 year ago today}

I cannot believe it has been one whole year since our little girl was born. It feels like yesterday and a lifetime ago all at the same time. I remember every detail for about 3 days before leading up to that night in the hospital. It's still so vivid and real! I remember Travis being so strong for me. And I remember the exact moment after the nurses left and we were alone; he sat in a chair next to me while I was in the hospital bed, and just looked in my eyes and said "it's going to be okay." And it was okay and it is okay.

It's hard not having Elaine Raquel crawling around the house right now, not knowing what she would have acted like or looked like. There will always be that void of what could have been. But the miracle of this life is getting to experience both the bitter and the sweet as now, here I am one year later, up in the middle of the night with a hungry little boy who needs me to take care of him now, and how grateful I am for the opportunity to do that.

We celebrated her life today with some cupcakes, looking at pictures, and looking through her memory box the hospital gave us. We also had some pink gerbera daisies placed on her grave!

We are grateful for our little family!