{it is better to look up}

I'm a planner. I plan and plan and plan until there is nothing left to plan. And then, somehow, I find more things to plan. I make lists and cross off lists and then make new lists. It's who I am. Two and a half weeks ago a really big plan I had worked on for quite a while was completely flipped and twisted upside down and it was terrible. It is the unthinkable and it is devastating. I should {from knowing myself} be freaking out, completely out of control since my world was rocked upside down. But I'm not. I am calm. I feel peace.

As talked about in the scriptures, it is a peace that surpasses all understanding. It's the same peace we both felt since we saw her heart no longer beating on the ultrasound screen, and it's the same peace we both felt in the temple last night.

This peace comes from a knowledge of an eternal plan. It comes from knowing that Travis and I are here to learn and grow and become more like our Heavenly parents and this is exactly what we need to experience to become better. We learned how to be children in the pre-earth life, and now we are here to learn to be parents. And Elaine Raquel was sent as our first child to teach us important things about parenting and eternity that we couldn't have been taught otherwise.

In the Provo temple last night, the thought came to me, that "nothing is wrong." I thought for a bit about it, and had such a powerful sense optimism, hope, and happiness flood me. Nothing is wrong! In fact, everything is completely okay and right. This is how it was supposed to be from the start. While it isn't something I would choose right now in the moment, it's something that I know for a fact is part of the plan for me, for Travis, and for our other children that will join us someday. It's still hard and we wish we could get to know her in this life, but in the grand scheme of things nothing is wrong---everything is exactly right.

We have also been blessed with more tender mercies and blessings than I could recall in one sitting. It's as simple as cards flooding our mailbox, to as complex as having had a strong impression a couple months ago to quit my job on January 31st, for no exact reason {which now I know}, 6 weeks before my due date, and ending up delivering our little girl two business days later. Heavenly Father is in the details. He knew something as seemingly trivial as us wanting to have me off my employer's insurance and onto my parent's insurance for her delivery. And He knew that I needed to quit in the month of January to officially have coverage on my parent's beginning February 1st, even though her due date wasn't until March.

He was with us then and He will be with us always, preparing, tutoring, teaching, and blessing.

We've been learning so many valuable lessons that are shaping and molding us. The first being that the call to "mourn with those who mourn" as it talks about in the scriptures isn't just a good idea to me anymore. It's real. I have felt and still feel the sting that comes with delivering a child, watching a faithful husband give her a name and a blessing, and then handing her to the nurse to take her to a mortuary. Just a couple of days ago, I learned of a friend who delivered her baby boy stillborn just the week after I did. My heart literally hurt for her. I am learning how trials are given to us to mold and shape us, and they are also tools to help us help others. Once we know what something feels like, we can comfort and mourn at a much deeper level. And that is what Christ has done for each one of us. He has felt it all and so, consequently, He can help us. He knows what it feels like.

The second lesson being that everyone has individual trials that are tailored perfectly for them. Last night while in the temple I couldn't help but look around for a while and ponder this idea. There I was sitting next to Travis and no one else in the room knew I had delivered a baby just about two weeks ago and that we buried her one week ago. I thought about the person sitting next to me on my other side, or the people in front or behind me. What were they going through? It reminded me of the quote: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." And while we don't always see or know of the battles those around us face, everyone faces hard times and I want to be more aware now on of how I can help.

But, the most important thing I feel I am learning is that "it is better to look up." Doctrine and Covenants 6:36 is one of my now all-time favorite scriptures: "Look unto me in every thought. Doubt not, fear not." There are so many thoughts that I can let into my mind that are destructive and full of fear and despair. But I am finding that when I turn my thoughts to Christ and then translate those into actions, there is no room for any of those feelings from the adversary. That peace that surpasses all understanding is then able to be felt.

Carl B. Cook stated: " Experience has taught me that if we, like President Monson, exercise our faith and look to God for help, we will not be overwhelmed with the burdens of life. We will not feel incapable of doing what we are called to do or need to do. We will be strengthened, and our lives will be filled with peace and joy. We will come to realize that most of what we worry about is not of eternal significance---and if it is, the Lord will help us. But we must have the faith to look up and the courage to follow his direction."

Blessings come when we look up instead of anywhere else no matter in good times or in hard times. And when looking up, I think of what my brother Nate wrote home from his mission in Germany once, "The sky is always blue, no matter how thick the layer of clouds." How true that is.