{how our lives have changed forever}

One week ago today, at 34 weeks and two days along, our lives changed forever. I was feeling little Elaine kick throughout the day and then that night, during her very active time, I didn't feel any kicking and something just felt wrong. Travis and I both tried to get her to kick and got no response, so we headed to the hospital. They listened for a heartbeat and only heard mine. Then they brought out the ultrasound machine and we all saw her little heart on there that had stopped beating. Shock is the only word to describe it. My legs were shaking uncontrollably and I couldn't even react. It felt like time around us stopped.

"It's going to be okay."

That's the phrase that just kept flowing out of our mouths to each other. It's going to be okay.

We decided it was best to induce labor right then, so before we knew it our parents had flights out to SLC early that next morning and I was in for the hardest 21 hours of my life. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Mentally. I was going to deliver our little girl all of the sudden. We would get to see her. We would get to hold her and I knew all along she wouldn't be alive. Life can change in a heartbeat---literally.

That next day support flooded into our lives. Never before have we felt so much love and support from family and friends. We are so grateful.

And thank goodness for tigers-blood flavored ice chips which Travis fed to me all day while in labor and for Mr. Jay, my anesthesiologist. I kept referring to him as my best friend because every time I saw him there to boost up my epidural dose, it was like heaven sent relief. Epidurals are one of my most favorite things... ever.

But most of all, thank goodness for my Savior Jesus Christ and our beliefs as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints {http://mormon.org/}. Amidst the confusion, shock, and sadness, we felt peace. And it's a peace that hasn't left. Yes, the hole is still there, and yes small things trigger sadness. But nonetheless, there is still peace.

Earlier that Sunday I had taught the young women about the Plan of Salvation. I testified of its truthfullness and that as Elder Nelson said in this amazing video, http://www.lds.org/pages/mens-hearts-shall-fail-them?lang=eng, there is no need to fear. Because of the gospel of Jesus Christ, we know our identity and purpose and this life is not the end.

At 9:13 pm on February 4, 2013, Travis and I met our daughter with a little button nose and a head full of dark, wavy hair. All we could keep saying was how perfect she is. Her little perfect body matched her perfect spirit. Up until that point, we hadn't decided on a name; but, when we found out that she had already returned to our Heavenly Father, we decided to name her after two people we love and look up to who have already returned as well: my grandma Ada Elaine Garlick and Travis' grandma Raquel Dyer.

Driving home from the hospital that next morning with an empty carseat and a room full of baby clothes tore my heart right open. Our tears seem to come out whenever and sometimes just don't stop and that's okay. But then I remember what it's all about. It's about covenants and families, it's about faithful promises and the atonement of Jesus Christ. And it's all going to be okay.

Elaine Raquel is teaching us how to love deeper and have more faith. What more could a parent learn from a child? She has changed our outlook and to what we turn our attention too. She has changed our perspective and how we live and what we cherish on a day-to-day basis. In fact, she's changed our lives. And because of her, Travis and I are developing a love now that I could never even imagine. It's a strength and a connection that is hard to describe, but one that he and I will always owe to her.

There is no medical explanation for why Elaine didn't get to live with us longer. One possibility is that one part of her umbilical cord was flatter than the rest and it could have gotten kinked. But we don't need an answer because Heavenly Father is ultimately in charge and we had no control of this event in our lives; He is in control and knows exactly what we need to become like Him. And this is what He knows will be best for us.

And because of that knowledge, we know it's all going to be okay---no matter how hard it is.

"One’s life … cannot be both faith-filled and stress-free. …Therefore, how can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, ‘Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art! Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy!’ …Real faith … is required to endure this necessary but painful developmental process." 

Neal A. Maxwell